The axe comes down-- and in the middle of familiar routines life forces a change upon you-- rarely is it a singular change, but usually many-- one sparked off by the other, igniting a little trail all the way down the street that you once knew so well and walked to work on.
i'm not going to lie, blog, i'm blue.
the complete frivolous affair that was my relationship with brian. can u believe it? i dont have any words for that. not now, maybe not ever. but i've done with writing about it. there are two songs-- and lately, my mind has been just, plain cramped space-- no need for words, for diatribes, no words-- nothing. it's been like a mechanical gear, just grinding out the answers to equations and puzzles of what the fuck is going on. see, people with karmic debt have a lot of confusion. people with bad parents have a lot of confusion. they were never trained to see straight, to walk straight, to point themselves, to focus.
today i am feeling lyrical. god bless it. wouldn't it be great if i were working o a novel, some fiction, maybe? but my brain is too damn tired-- unless i coop myself up like a 16th century leper after work, sleeping at 9pm like a pre-teen bobby-soxer, my brain can't function. my body is delicate. so delicate, my constitution so fragile sometimes that i think, christ i must not be long for this earth.
and sometimes, i'm just a step away from an oncoming car.
i dont want to live like this.
i am too poetic a soul. and this is killing it.
i wish i had better parents. i wish i had a future.
i had stopped complaining. i just started donig something about it.
today my phone was shut off because my mom's husband was in charge of the bill. fucking fuck.
getting home last night to find out the phone was shut off made me sick. i mean, fo rsome reason, i scarfed 5 cookies then went into the bathroom and vomited. i vomited a lot, for a long time. i was sick.
i was involved in this fuckedup relationship-- all i want is to be around someone i care about. i could get so angry, but that doesn't help--- what the fuck helps?
i am going to dream, just dream from now on, about the life i want to live. i'm going to think about it. imagine myself in it.
i did that today, in fact as i walked around the block on my ten minute break. i dreamed about living in new york, young, beautiful, a wonderful man, the smartest man in the world just popped the question, a lovely lovely wonderful home to come home to. and friends. emails waiting for me. a book tour.
i have an hour to sit in front of this computer and my mind is ferociously bored. i am seeing brian at 5om today, and why the fuck am i seeing him? so i can be the wendy girl from ZOOLOGy?
i am not the wendy from zoology--
this is all bullshit.
my life feels like-- the life i'm living feels like bullshit, like, do people know who i am? the world loves me, do people know how awesome i am-- how etc etc?
this all feels pointless now.
i can't complain. i was made too afraid and to wise to complain. complaining just sets the stage for situations you dont want. for all kinds of bad things.
so let me raise my glass, and toast, to the world that i came to live in, here i am, ready to rock you like a hurricane, as soon as i can figure this out.
i want a break. i really do. i'd love a vacation.
now see, this is all too painful for me, it's something you probably dont realize, because i have not worked, i have had 27 years of crazywild freedom. it's been horrible. i've been entirely dependent on other people's money. and absolutely no dignity.
im sick of doing unsavory things.
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