I'm giving away things. Yes, they are different-- altered-- from slipping through my hands. But it's time to let them go and move forward into the future.
Brezny asked me "What has changed within?" I wrote that on a sticky note at work, and somehow it made it's way to my shower-- and now stares out at me while I'm nude, asking that vaporizing question.
What has changed within?
Well, two things:
I don't want Brian. I don't want Jeff.
I don't want to consider myself a bad person for not wanting to work a 9-5 gig that gives me absolutely NOTHING to look forward to.

I want Art.
I want Adam.
I want to find myself worthy-- I want to stop convincing myself that my karma is dictating to me to have shitty jobs and be miserable. "Master the shitty job and then..."
Maybe I'll never master something that I don't care to master. Maybe I'll never master it. I keep banging my head against this wall--
That's what has changed within: There is something finally banging back.

EDUCATION

so, here it is: i moved to downtown pioneer square-- lovely old fashioned ghost haunt that it is. but i'll tell you a secret-- i am going to call the director of admissions at UNLV and BEG-- I mean BEG to get in.
i need to go back to school so badly, it as if i have a disease waiting to be cured.
i am bored. i am so damned bored i can't imagine what i will do for the next year. i really, honeslty, truly don't have a fucking clue about how to maintain my interest in life by sitting out the next year working at this job. i've worked in offices for more than a year now. i've done my time here-- i am going to be so idle- i feel so ignorant.
why is this happening? i need to read. i need to go to the library and commence a strict reading schedule. that's the only way that i will be able to do the time. let the time serve you, as they say in prison. and i have to think of this as prison, with time off at nights and weekends.
i wear the "business casual" uniform, which is uglier to me than an orange jumpsuit.
i steal my breaks and smoke like a fiend when i get a chance to step outside.
i survive my food, my tedious, lame-ass day labour -- which i am truly grateful for--
i am truly grateful.
i just want to go back to school, sit in class with people, my god. to only have that again.
now that just seems like the greatest blessing of man outside of love: EDUCATION.

AW! I'm such a big BABY! (said affectoinately)

Well, I am a monk living a moder life, as i said to Kelly McGuire just now in an email. My air mattress, my 3 suitcases piled alongside my bedroom wall. That's about it. I acquired a chair from Brian's. Oh btw, I gave him a cat. I picked one up from a blind lady and gave it to him. It's name is Seattle. Brian loves it. More on that later.

Veggies and the prognosis

remember the time you were so sick with the - - - - and you were working for the judges and that pretty, clean cut girl and you were starving and you had to eat all that free junkfood they provide for the clients just to stay alive? and it was heartbreaking because there we beautiful red peppers, vegetable plates to prepare everyday, and you remembered a time when you were healthy, happy, eating only those things which grown naturally from the earth? when that plate of vegetables would have been all you touched? even more-- a thing you truly CELEBRATED!?

ENERGY CRISIS

This planet isn't the only one with an energy crisis on its hands. I call in as evidence this little inhabitant of earth, sitting here at this desk, her eyes ready to fall out of her sockets. Yes, the one in the midst of existential anguish--- boredom--- death within life.
I have no energy. I crave some.
I crave the chance to sit on a veranda, reading a book, the warm breeze helping me flip the pages--- I crave help. That's all.

WANTED: TO DO SAVORY THINGS

The axe comes down-- and in the middle of familiar routines life forces a change upon you-- rarely is it a singular change, but usually many-- one sparked off by the other, igniting a little trail all the way down the street that you once knew so well and walked to work on.
i'm not going to lie, blog, i'm blue.
the complete frivolous affair that was my relationship with brian. can u believe it? i dont have any words for that. not now, maybe not ever. but i've done with writing about it. there are two songs-- and lately, my mind has been just, plain cramped space-- no need for words, for diatribes, no words-- nothing. it's been like a mechanical gear, just grinding out the answers to equations and puzzles of what the fuck is going on. see, people with karmic debt have a lot of confusion. people with bad parents have a lot of confusion. they were never trained to see straight, to walk straight, to point themselves, to focus.
today i am feeling lyrical. god bless it. wouldn't it be great if i were working o a novel, some fiction, maybe? but my brain is too damn tired-- unless i coop myself up like a 16th century leper after work, sleeping at 9pm like a pre-teen bobby-soxer, my brain can't function. my body is delicate. so delicate, my constitution so fragile sometimes that i think, christ i must not be long for this earth.
and sometimes, i'm just a step away from an oncoming car.
i dont want to live like this.
i am too poetic a soul. and this is killing it.
i wish i had better parents. i wish i had a future.
i had stopped complaining. i just started donig something about it.
today my phone was shut off because my mom's husband was in charge of the bill. fucking fuck.
getting home last night to find out the phone was shut off made me sick. i mean, fo rsome reason, i scarfed 5 cookies then went into the bathroom and vomited. i vomited a lot, for a long time. i was sick.
i was involved in this fuckedup relationship-- all i want is to be around someone i care about. i could get so angry, but that doesn't help--- what the fuck helps?
i am going to dream, just dream from now on, about the life i want to live. i'm going to think about it. imagine myself in it.
i did that today, in fact as i walked around the block on my ten minute break. i dreamed about living in new york, young, beautiful, a wonderful man, the smartest man in the world just popped the question, a lovely lovely wonderful home to come home to. and friends. emails waiting for me. a book tour.
i have an hour to sit in front of this computer and my mind is ferociously bored. i am seeing brian at 5om today, and why the fuck am i seeing him? so i can be the wendy girl from ZOOLOGy?
i am not the wendy from zoology--
this is all bullshit.
my life feels like-- the life i'm living feels like bullshit, like, do people know who i am? the world loves me, do people know how awesome i am-- how etc etc?
this all feels pointless now.
i can't complain. i was made too afraid and to wise to complain. complaining just sets the stage for situations you dont want. for all kinds of bad things.
so let me raise my glass, and toast, to the world that i came to live in, here i am, ready to rock you like a hurricane, as soon as i can figure this out.
i want a break. i really do. i'd love a vacation.
now see, this is all too painful for me, it's something you probably dont realize, because i have not worked, i have had 27 years of crazywild freedom. it's been horrible. i've been entirely dependent on other people's money. and absolutely no dignity.
im sick of doing unsavory things.

The Axe Comes Down

It's official. I'm not going to law school in 2007. Not the right thing for me, apparently. While I can say it was my score, the overwhelming number of applicants, and cite every figure that made it a longshot in the first place, I'd rather look at it as a cahnce ot remedy a cosmic urge to pursue other things, a cosmic destiny, a lesson.
Like I closed off with in my last blog-- I have other things to do, too.